Shadow Of Victory

Thursday, 17 September 2009

September 17th.Working through Willow.....

This will be my last post re Willow Creek and it takes me nicely into the next "thorn " that I was planning on writing about.I am still on the subject of "Ruts and Trenches "...and this last one has been the most difficult for me to blog about but at the risk of repeating myself "writing is my best chance of happiness". For me the whole act of writing it down and getting it out in the open has been hugely healing and I find myself growing more "together" within my heart..spirit ..and soul.

So...this rut....I have been so far down in the trenches with this for so many years that I cant even see the horizon really...I peek above the edge at times then find it so much easier just to slip back down into the warmth and security of the trench.I am talking about my life long battle with my weight.

I long...but in truth I had no problem with my weight as a child or teenager...the few photos of me I have seen or possess show a normal sized 5 year old and an 8 year old and a fairly good looking size 14 when I met Chris at age 17. The battle began when I became sexually active and as many of you know Chris and I lived together for 5 years and had our first son when I was 19.

Through years of counselling ...both Christian and non Christian ...I have come to understand a lot about why that happened and where the connection started etc.and it has its roots in the sexual abuse that went on through most of my childhood.I am not going to labour on this as its doesn't make good reading and its not an ongoing issue but the fact remains that being overweight is tied into my sexual image of myself.

I have climbed out of the ruts many times and those of you who have known me the longest will have seen me lose weight quite spectacularly..many times.!!! I think I once added up the amount of weight I have lost over 30 years and its something like 100 stones...hee hee...but sadly its the same 5-6 stone over and over again.!! Again..those of you who know me will know i don't overeat ordinary wont find me eating 6 course meals or eating huge portions of chips or addiction is sweet things....give me a choice between a steak and a pudding and I will forgo the steak every time.....give me a choice between a packet of crisps and a chocolate biscuit and I will always choose the chocolate biscuit.

I have delved into this quite deeply over the years and memories have surfaced over and over again in that I was given sweets whenever the abuse happened and whenever life got too tough for my mum or whoever I was living with at the time then decent meals and cooking was always the first to go and rice puddings and bread and jam were the menu of convenience. I was given bread and sugar for my tea almost everyday and was sent to bed often with a drink of hot sugary tea and jammy sarnies.Consequently at my worst you will find me eating chocolate in bed.!!!

In 2007 I lost over 6 stone in weight and had counselling at the same time and many of these issues were raised in the sessions and I honestly thought I had climbed over the top of the trench and was making a bee line for the horizon... Sadly I have once more lost this battle and have spent this last year putting a fair percentage of the weight back on once again.The counselling revealed that it wasn't the sexual issues that was the main cause now but the two fold fact that YES I have a sugar addiction but also whenever my emotions are surface I then seem to need the fix of sugar to help me get back some control. This isn't just depression type of emotion but its also any kind of high anger and even great joy can cause me to hit the chocolate.I know that for many years I was " trained " not to show emotion of any kind and now find it difficult to let myself be free enough to show my emotions for fear of rejection..abandonment or of some one being offended...and perhaps I am afraid of being too happy in case it doesn't hit the choccie or ice cream..or muffin and be in a safe sugar haze...

This blog entry is too long so I will continue it tomorrow.

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