Shadow Of Victory

Thursday, 29 October 2009

Thursday 29th Reflections (2)

The wedding was lovely...the outfit eventually came together....the friends / family we spent time with was fabby and apart from the long hours getting there and back it was worth it to spend time with family and friends and be a part of Danielle's special day.Weddings are always lovely ...or at least every one I have attended has been fun and enjoyable and always a great time to have a laugh and some fun. We were booked into same hotel with some folks from church and we did have a laugh....and got to spend time with them too before and after the wedding.

"Doing life " together....somehow or other in the busyness of our lives it can be hard just to take time out to hang out with folk....being away from our own home and town we didn't really have much else to do apart from hang out...and it is in those times that we can relax and just be ourselves....I know that for Chris and I we need to "do life " with folk a lot more than we do....just hanging out over a beer...or a curry....with no really was lovely....and so...thanks to Wayne ,Sandra and Gemma....Debbie and Robin....and of course Cat and Nick who didn't really have a choice as we were all in same car.!!

We got home...very tired after long hours travelling and since then all I have wanted to do is growl at everyone.....ggrrrrr.....Life immediately started crowding in.!! Does this happen to others??...after a relaxing time away it seems as if life conspires to "get you " the minute you come back .I have a stack of things to organise..people don't answer emails...meetings had to be re-arranged and cheques don't arrive ....ggrrrrrr....and then when emails are answered they aren't good news.....


It all falls into perspective as I served in car parking for PNs funeral....all the trivial things in the last few days that have caused me to go...gggrrrr...all fade into insignificance as I watched the family and friends arrive for funeral.I listened to one of his daughters give tribute in such an amazing way...she was so brave and talked about her dad in a loving tribute we could all identify with....I looked at photos of the family...I sang some great songs and altogether mourned and remembered a good man.....


I am saddened by my petty-ness and convicted of my bad temper and have spent some time after the funeral just re-adjusting my soul.....I wonder afresh how much God needs to still do in me..the changes I need to allow Him to make slowly I am changing from "one degree of glory to another ". I still want to growl at the trivia going on in my life but know that I am thankful that I live and breathe.I am grateful for scripture that brings hope and life to me when all I want to do is go...ggrrrrrrrr

2 Corinthians ch 5 verse 17 says this..."Therefor if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation...the old has gone and the new has come."

Romans ch 8 verse 1 says this...."therefor there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"

For both these truths I am most incredibly grateful for and perhaps as I let the truth permeate into my soul and spirit I will stop growling....It has been a week of contrasts...from weddings to funerals with all the highs and lows entailed and stuck in the middle of both these holy days has been me and my growling....but tomorrow is another day and with Gods help I can begin afresh with a smile knowing that His mercies are new to me every morning...

Thursday, 22 October 2009

October 20th Reflections

We are all packed and ready to go off to wedding over the weekend. This is no ordinary wedding in that often its a friend or a relative who is getting married.What makes this one so different is that we I have known D S since she was 2yrs old and that is something like 24 years ago if my arithmetic is any good.!! Having been in a great relationship with her parents for the same number of years this weekend is a real celebration. D is a lovely Godly young woman marrying her dream boat. For many years her mum and I prayed..."God save her...God call her to you..God raise her up to be a Godly woman with your values...God bring her right relationships with men/boyfriends...God bring her a Christian husband." and this Saturday I know that her mum and I will have eye contact at some point in the day and in that moment we will silently acknowledge that God answers prayer.

In this last couple of weddings have been uppermost in my mind I have spent some time reflecting on my own daughters wedding and just as Ds mum prayed all those prayers for her so I have prayed the same for Cat and on her special day three and half years ago I was able to say a heartfelt "thank you " to God for answering those prayers. I have also been praying afresh this last 2 years for Cat and Nick and adding somewhat different pleas to the throne.

As I spent time thinking about daughters I thought I would tell you a little bit about mine. Many of you know her and I guess if we sat and compared notes we may even have different thoughts and ideas of who she is and what she is like.!! I am biased in that I am her mum and as everyone knows..."mums are always right"

Cat is our third child and after two sons I was desperate for a girl. I love my sons dearly and agree with the popular saying that we love all our children equally and I do....BUT...for me I love them all the same...yet different..They are three completely different characters and personalities and therefor we all interact in completely different ways.

Of all the children Cat is the most confident and feisty....from a very early age she was extremely determined and her gifting for gymnastics emerged at age 5 and from then right through till she was almost 18 she was an excellent athlete in both gymnastics and then trampolining and had a distinguished career. This gave her excellent grounding in self discipline and ability to lead and gave her supreme self confidence. She doesn't suffer fools gladly and can be quite sharp if faced with people not doing as expected. If Cat wrote a letter for every time something went wrong eg bus phone networks...she would have a file 6 inches deep.But it works she has learned how to deal with awkward situations in her work place and after 5 years in same job has a wealth of ability and experience.

But don't be fooled by the confident exterior....perhaps only mum gets to see the small child that sometimes doesn't cope...sometimes feels hurt..sometimes cant understand why...wants to run and hide...Give Cat a "mission"...a task and she will be off before the starting pistol....keep her focus strong and she will target and run.I so admire that about her...determination with a capital D

From a very early age ..if asked what she wanted to be when she grew up she would generally say three things...

1)fall in love ..
2)get married...
3)have babies...

and thankfully she has achieved two out of three...and even more thankfully they are both still following God..serving Him together ..part of the church community...building good relationships and friendships..holding down good jobs....and generally enjoying being husband and wife.Sadly the number three on her wish list isn't yet in her grasp and the journey so far for them both has been one they didn't expect to have to walk and for me as her mum it was never in my plans for her either.

Perhaps the way in which she has developed her self discipline..her confidence...her feistiness...her "mission" focus has all been for "such a time as this " Only God can answer the Why question and only He can grant her that elusive number three.This last week they have embarked on a different journey from the one they would have wanted to be on and yet I can already see her focus sharpening..her determination gaining the upper hand ..perhaps as she can see the way ahead more clearly the hurt and anguish that has been gripping her has lost some of its power.

Perhaps as she looks ahead she can take hold of the scripture...

"The plans I have for you are to prosper you and not to harm you"

Perhaps as she leads worship or praises God the words from songs will take root afresh in her heart and soul....

" can move the mountains"..."Where things impossible by faith shall be made possible"....

Perhaps as she takes each step in this journey she will realise that ....

when there appear to only be one set of footsteps in the sand that it was then that God will be carrying her

I am eternally grateful that God blessed us with three children..each of them in their own way a blessing from the Lord. Not quite a "quiverful" that the psalmist reckons is the Lords blessing but quite enough for us!! I am eternally mystified that someone like me who had one of the mst dysfuntional childhoods ever to be written about has managed to parent and mother into adulthood three fairly well adjusted and useful members of society. I am eternally begging God to call both my sons back into close relationship with Him and I am eternally interceding for God to grant Cat and Nick the gift of a child.

My daughter....who desperately wants to be a mummy....will you join me in prayer as they begin this journey ....Thank you

Monday, 19 October 2009

October 18th Battlefield

As I blog again this morning I have come to realise once more that life can be a battlefield.!One of the speakers at Willow Creek talked about how he was on a plane and the video monitor in front of him was broken and how for a long while he found himself looking quite intently at his face. Usually when we look in a mirror it is because we are doing our hair..putting on make up..brushing our teeth and so on. So to look at the reflection with no distractions ..he found a new and disturbing activity.He went on to encourage us to take a half hour or so and just look intently at our face and ask God what is there. I don't think for one second he was referring to the wrinkles or the grey hairs etc but more..what do we think of ourselves and what does God think of us.

So...this morning..feeling replenished and relatively at peace with myself ..I had a relaxing morning...had some tea and toast..lazed some...had a bath..did the stuff women do with razors etc and then took some time to look at myself.I may have gone slightly overboard in that I stood naked for a little bit of time and very quickly got dressed and had a few minutes looking at my face.

I would love to say that this exercise has been beneficial and recommend it to everyone but to be honest I have to confess I now feel like I would like to give up my role in the human race. If I could ..I would crawl into my bed and never get up...I hated every second of it and certainly didn't last more than 10 minutes let alone half an hour. The thoughts that have gone through my mind have almost frightened me....where did they come ?? Not from God that's for sure.!! It has made me so aware of the battle I am in...

What did I see that caused me to shut down so quickly?...apart from the recurring shingles sores that have once more re-appeared on my face...thats twice in 5 weeks...ggrrrrrr......I have endeavoured to be as open and vulnerable in this blog as I can but some of these thoughts I am not able to share. I am not so stupid as to think they have come from anywhere but the "pit" and that they are not the "truth" but boy am I ducking low down to dodge the flack. What I will share are the secondary thoughts that came racing in after I stopped looking. Thoughts like...

Give will never make it
Stop going to will miss you
Dont go the Leaders are not really a leader..they only tolerate you
Resign from leading Car takes any notice of you anyway
Dont meet with your will be useless to her
Miss dont get anything from it
Eat yourself will always be fat
Spend what little money you have will always be in debt
Go back to bed....let people down
Dont go to the wedding at weekend ...your outfit is awful

and so on and so on.....

Life is a battle replenishment bucket is leaking badly this morning...

Sunday, 18 October 2009

October 17th Replenishment Strategy 3

Replenishing my empty bucket is proving to be a desperately needed strategy. There seems to be so much going on all around me..both in my own life and in other peoples lives too that it is a season where I need to ensure I am "full". For one reason and another (mainly car parking.!) I don't get into the worship time in our weekly church meeting too often but this morning I wasn't "on duty" for the first time in 4 weeks so was there for the entire time of worship and it was only after we sat down that I realised just how depleted I had become.

There is nothing wrong with private worship in our homes..nothing lacking in listening to a worship CD...and usually when we worship in Life Group I can connect with God...but there is something hugely different about corporate worship and I was so aware of how God broke into our meeting and brought me once again to gaze at HIM....I think I am slightly biased about our worship team in that I have known many of them since they were kids and have seen them grow into followers of Christ and no-one can know the deep joy I have when my daughter and son in law are part of the team....they all truly are a blessing to our church community.

This morning we sang a couple of songs that led into a "word" that led into a time of response and prayer and it is times like this that replenish my soul. The words from one of the songs ..

"Oh never let go....through the calm and through the storm." and linked to that the words from another one..."the same power that raised Christ from the grave lives in me..lives in me "

As we sang this over and over again I thought about the women I know who are walking through some really tough times... I thought about G.N who had lost her husband in the early hours of the morning...and about S.McM..who had lost her husband two weeks ago....I thought about a friend who is in hospital battling depression...I thought about 2 other friends who are lost and lonely and who have sadly lost sight of their Saviour... I prayed with a couple whose son is in hospital and yet another friend who is facing tough times ahead with financial difficulty..and then my heart turned towards my own life and family and I knew that God was speaking to me through this mornings worship time. Chris and I seem to have been in a "storm " for some time now...the anxiety over his job for months..the stress of our IVA and financial worries...and yet..somehow or other we are still hanging on in there...we know 100% that if we didnt have God to hang onto ..we would have lost the battle a long time ago.

Many of you know about my daughter and son in law and their fertility struggles and over this last 2 years I have had to hold on tight to God as I have walked some painful times with them. All mums know that seeing their children endure pain is the hardest thing to deal with and the emotional pain these "children" are feeling is indescribable...I would do anything to prevent them having to walk this walk....yet I know that God will go before them...walk with them..carry them whenever they need carried and will bring them through. To enable me to be an encouragement and support to them I desperately need to stay replenished and this morning I believe I had an infilling from God for this next wee while.

I sang..."the same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in me " with such faith....if God can raise His precious son from the dead..then He surely can give me the strength I need to walk alongside C and N....and as I sang the words
"oh never let go " I sang them will never let me go..."through the calm and through the storm"...I may be heading into a "storm" but God will never let me go.

Reading the word....praying...fellowship...serving....all are a vital part of the replenishment strategy but to worship God is surely one of the most dynamic ways in which we can connect with our Saviour.

and so for the moment....I am replenished.

Sunday, 11 October 2009

October 11th Replenishment 3

I kinda understand about writers who take themselves off to friends houses or disappear from normal life...there is something about being alone that seems to get the brain ticking over...not that I am putting myself into the category of great novel /fiction writers but somehow this last couple of days with Chris being away I seem to have had time to let my thoughts settle. I have also had a weekend free with no work commitments ...apart from serving in car park and somehow I don't think of that as work as I get great satisfaction being there....maybe there is a need in all of us just to be alone....away from the demands of ordinary day to day living and just allow God to refresh and to speak and to bring peace back into our very stretched souls.

I have been reading and listening and praying...I have had time with friends and time alone and somehow or other I have managed to get back up on my feet and stand back on the rock .I have been reading from The Message translation and where before I couldn't get my head round the new-ness of it...I seem to have found my place in it and it almost seems like a bubbly glass of is making me "fizz" if that doesn't sound too silly.

I have also been reading this book..."Get out of that Pit" and wonder why on earth I haven't read it is truly an eye opener of a book..or should I say a "spirit opener". I still think it isn't actually mine so if you have lent it to me please let me know...I would like to underline bits but don't want to deface someone else's book. I have read many books from Christians who have overcome the darkest of childhoods and yet always struggled with the way they write...yet Beth Moore somehow or other has connected with me in a way no other author has. I know that often its not the author or the book but its the timing of when I am actually reading it and it just perhaps that is the case here..maybe its Gods perfect timing for me to be reading this book at this particular time but I don't really care..I am just so grateful that I am .

Beth talks about "pits"...describing 3 different pits

1)when you are thrown into one
2)when you slip into one
3)when you jump into one

She describes what a "pit dweller" looks ..feels and acts like... and boy..could I identify with each and every kind of pit and each and every way I have acted.Its the kind of book where you cant fail to identify with something she says....and for me ...if I can identify and connect then there is a good chance that God is speaking to me through the writing.

The chapter I have just read today talks about"getting out of the pit" and I have read it several times as there is such a depth of truth to what she says.I cant recommend this book enough and as part of my replenishment strategy it has been a great start as I already feel as if I am refreshed.

On a completely different note ...I did say a while back that I was thinking of an Open House where those of you who would like to come and hang out and maybe look at an aspect of the blog together...if you are interested please can you email me direct so I can make a date...I know we wont maybe all be free on the same evening but lets see how we go...I am looking at mid to late November before Christmas comes rushing in at us all.

Let me leave you with this...Psalm 103

"Praise the Lord O my soul and forget not all your benefits...who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases ...who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion"

Saturday, 10 October 2009

October 10th Replenishment Strategy part 2 Chris is away I seem to be on a bit of a roll with the blog so will just keep on going till I run out of stuff to say..or you all just shut me down.!As I said in last entry about a "replenishment strategy " reading good Christian books was one of the things I planned to do and that I had quite a few books that either I hadn't actually read or that hadn't kept my attention I decided to give one book a try. In fact I am not even sure the book belongs to me so if it is yours please let me know so I can eventually return it.

Its by Beth Moore....and its called "Get out of that pit"

I began to read it today and already I am half way through and so far I am enthralled by her perceptiveness.Do you sometimes read a book and wonder if the author actually knows you or has heard about your life or experiences..well this book is a bit like that.What I really like about her is she talks "straight" fancy words or dressing things up..she calls it as she sees it and doesn't take prisoners.Already I can feel God beginning to replenish me and bring me up out of the wee pit I seemed to have fallen into recently.

Another way of replenishment is to be careful who I spend my time with.....and today I spent a couple of hours with F.R....F is relatively new in my life having only known her for a couple of years...but she is someone who takes me "up in her lift" she is an authentic friend who shares deeply..yet is fun and ordinary..not at all super spiritual but often will just pop something out that will make me stop and think.This afternoon we enjoyed a wee walk with our two dogs and just shared about how the Willow Creek conference had affected us...and what we were doing and how we were doing...we had some tea..grapes and chocolate and looked at a couple of scriptures that God had brought alive to us individually and we explored what "bright spots" we had experienced in last few weeks even though both of us had struggled a little over the summer.F also felt God had given her a "word" for me in that He was taking me to the Promised over next few days I am going to think that through and ask God what He means about that.

I am so aware that some of my friends are going through some tough times and if I am to be any good to them and for them as a friend I need to be filled up...otherwise I will be no use to them either as a support or an encouragement.Today for the first time in a few days I somehow or other feel filled up...getting back to the bible...reading a Christian book...getting out into the fresh air and having a walk ...and lets face it Oskar and Sadie are enough to make even the most depressed and empty person smile as they are just gorgeous pooches....and then just spending an hour or so relaxing and chatting about how we are "in God"...isn't that a good way to be replenished?

To keep you in the picture..the washing machine is still weight hasn't miraculously gone....I still don't have anything to wear for this jolly wedding...we are still broke and in debt....the IVA is 2 years away from daughter and her hubby are still not experiencing a miracle...2-3 of my buddies are going through incredibly painful situations...I still have to get up tomorrow and serve in car park as team is yet again short....Chris is still away till Monday...I am still on my own for the weekend..but you know what...

God is good..all the time.

October 10th Replenishment Strategy.

Chris is away now till Monday lunch I have some time to blog and spend time working out where to go from here. You may have sensed that I have fallen down and some of you may well have actually seen it.!! No I don't mean actually physically falling but witnessed the tears falling in public places. Anne/Iris..I hope you know the fact I ran out of Morrisons instead of sitting and having a coffee with you guys was NOTHING to do with you.The lack of tea bag in the teapot was the last straw for me after a really bad 2-3 days so the tears had to fall....and I just couldnt cope with the idea of having a meltdown in Morrisons..altho that sounds like a song title.!!

I have done some serious thinking and praying this last 48 hours and realise I need a "Replenishment Strategy". If you were at the Willow Creek conference you may have heard Bill Hybels talk about how he was so close to burn out that he felt the Holy Spirit whisper to him " Bill ...I am a little worried about you " and at that moment Bill admitted he too was little worried about himself.

So I guess I have also reached a point where I am a "little worried about me " and I have some serious choices to make to ensure I don't fall down so hard I may never get up again. Bill talks about how as leaders ..(altho this will apply to all of us ) we need to have a full bucket..we cant carry on serving and leading and planning etc without finding our buckets getting empty and that we need to have a replenishment strategy in place . He talked about what he had done to ensure he was getting the God/work/family/personal balance right in his life.

As I have pondered this and looked at where /how/why... bucket was emptying out I found that I had slipped back into old habits and failed to keep myself accountable. With the summer months and all routine going out the window and having the blessings of three holidays in a very short space of time my spiritual routines had virtually gone and we all know what happens when this occurs.At the beginning of the year and this blog I had made some firm boundaries eg.. not reading so many fiction books ( which is I might add my favourite thing to do..reading )and over the summer and on holiday etc I found I had begun again to read my favourite crime novels. Nothing wrong in that..I don't feel this is a bad thing but at the expense of reading Gods word I had once again allowed it to get out out of balance.Over a decade ago JWG gave me a word that "I should be wary of what I put before my eyes" and God brings me back to this time and time again

Bill Hybels talks about "we all need to exercise self leadership " and I had failed to exercise this ...and for the sake of space I will say that this has happened in many areas..not just reading.!! hence all the weight I have gained in last 4 months.

Bill talks about our ministry and what we are doing to serve God.....
he says this
"Is the pace that I am doing the work of God destroying the work of God in me ?"
This really needed some serious thinking....and once again I realised that I had been serving and serving and serving and the replenishment wasn't happening.When I picked up the bible notes that I use ...the July 10th entry ...(yes.. I am that far behind.!!)..talks about the "prayer of exhaustion" and how Moses is pouring out his heart to God..Numbers ch 11 and Moses is just throwing out all these questions to God...Why? ..What?.. Did I ?.. Where?...and then Moses adds "because this burden is too heavy for me " and once more I understood that I cant run alone in whatever sphere I serve God. If I apply this to the car parking ministry then in the same way God raised up 70 elders to work alongside Moses at this time ..I also need to be looking for people to run with me and help me serve to the best of my abilities...I am not actually saying I need or want 70 elders to do car parking with me.!!but I am saying ..I need solid and consistent support.

So...what have I decided ...

1)to change to The Message bible for the moment...I have been doing the "through the bible in a year" but for some reason decided to use the reading plan in the Chronological version..this has meant that since I started I have been wading through The Old Testament which is great for getting it fixed in your mind for when it all actually happened but very depressing in places.Plus I have never really got into The Message version and sometimes a completely new thing helps to inspire new ways of thinking.
2)leaving my fiction novels upstairs again so I am not picking them up at odd moments during the day...this does also serve to encourage me to go to bed earlier than I have been as I then get to read in bed.
3)Bill Hybels encourages us all to read GOOD books...Good Christian books ...and I have collected a fair few but never really got into them so will be choosing and starting this.
4)Being careful who I hang out Simon says .."who is taking you up in the lift and who is taking you down"
5)Saying YES every time God asks me to do something
6)Not feeling guilty about saying NO to requests that will empty me for the wrong reasons.
7)Keep short accounts..both with forgiveness and repentance.
8)Bill Hybels encourage us to "stop moaning about the lack of resources and get on and be thankful for what we do have " I am planning on bringing that into every area of my life..not just ministry wise.

Finally... Bill talks about the "rogue wave" and about how we all can serve and follow and live when the seas are calm but every now and then the sea throws up an unexpectedly "rogue wave"...and we can be overwhelmed in many ways as we try to steer our boat through rougher and more dangerous seas. If we are confident in our replenishment strategy then we can easily and quickly ride the wave through to safe harbour...but when we are empty then we are often in danger of capsizing. I guess I have been standing on the deck of a leaky boat and the "rogue wave" hit me...but I am not going to let it capsize me.

My prayer for you as you read this that you will heed the voice of Gods Holy Spirit IF he is whispering to you..."I am a little worried about you " and that you take some time and look at where you need to replenish yourself too. I picked up The Message translation yesterday I heard God say Psalm let me leave you with these words.

"I am staying on your trail...I am putting one foot in front of the other and I am not giving up "

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

October 7th Mutter Mutter Mutter

I wish I had blogged end of last week as it would have been so much more encouraging and uplifting and inspiring....I had been to Willow Creek conference for second time...(did I tell you I had actually been to Chicago to attend it live at Willow Creek Church itself?? LOL.....) and found the talks once more challenging and refreshing and planned to blog about my REPLENISHMENT STRATEGY...courtesy of Bill Hybels Talk.

He spoke about how we all need to be very careful to ensure we replenish our lives with the good things we
Gods diet..exercise..etc That we run the danger of working and serving and not taking care of our mind body soul and spirit. I realised that over the summer months I had allowed myself to get "empty" and the plan was to blog about what I planned to do about it !!

Well..the best plans get waylaid by life sometimes and I am so far from being replenished that I may not ever get it right. After serving both Friday and Saturday day at Willow Creek....on the Sunday I found myself ...due to unforeseen circumstances ....having to serve yet again both am and pm meetings and in between I still managed to drive to London for 10am and attend a friends daughters pre wedding
get- together and then drive back again for 1.45 to have my entire family for the afternoon...but I did make sure we all went out for lunch ...9 of us to The Old Manor.!!Then got very cross with the evening serving teams that they hadn't turned up or done what they were supposed to do....and felt really bad for being such a moaner...and then Simon preached...well...thats the story of why this blog is just "mutter mutter mutter"

I was completely undone by what he talked about and spent the best part of half hour just weeping at the end....then wept all over Cat...then on Tuesday..wept all over Penny...then today wept all over may ask..what did he preach...

He talked about the "mystery" of God and how good things can happen to us even when we are in the centre of Gods plan...and that sometimes there are circumstances in our lives that we have no answers for and our prayers seem to go unanswered....and I began to think about Cat and Nick and why they are having such difficulty having a baby and why others can have 2..3..and more children without any problems and I just feel completely undone by it all.I realise that because I have allowed myself to empty out I have no reserves of faith or emotional strength to fall back on and I guess that's why I am feeling so weepy....."mutter mutter mutter.!"

Add on to all that the stress of our IVA and the financial implications of our annual review...which we had back today and for some reason they now want an "extra" 70.00 each month... "mutter mutter mutter.!"

To ensure I don't get any chance to actually replenish at all...we have a wedding to go to in two weeks time and I cant find anything to wear....with all the weight I have put on this last 18mth I have tried on the entire contents of my wardrobe plus all the boxes in the loft and scoured every shop in Berkshire ...all to no avail. I have even put an appeal on Face Book..."mutter mutter mutter.!"

This coming weekend was supposed to be our weekend serving....and I was so looking forward to just chilling out with hubby doing nothing....and what do I find...its the Musical Fireworks Championships of the UK..( THE WHAT?? I HEAR YOU ASKING..).. Chris has worked for a Fireworks company for almost 20 years now and they compete annually for the UK display teams cup and believe it or not they were 2nd last year..but this particular one is actually the first time they have competed in the musical competition ..the displays are all set to off he will go mid afternoon Saturday and he wont be back till mid afternoon Monday so bang goes our chill out weekend and I will now actually be almost totally on my own..but listen up folks..what do I get..oh yes a call to say the leader of my Sunday car parking team cant be guess where I will be at 8am Sunday morning...(you may detect a slight hint of sarcasm there).."mutter mutter mutter"

You see...this is what happens when you get all falls to pieces..I haven't even begun to blog about writing commitments for the church magazine...or my writing assignment for commitments to car parking / admin...and CAP and Inspire and not to mention my actual working life ."mutter mutter mutter!"

Perhaps over weekend I will plan my "replenishment strategy" and blog about it Monday. I wonder how you guys are with your full/empty it only me that has allowed myself to empty out over the summer??The really tragic thing is that I know this can happen and over the years I try so hard NOT to let it get this bad but somehow or other I seem to have been sideswept this time round "mutter mutter mutter.!"

Thursday, 1 October 2009

October 1st...Waffling on and on

It is only just the 1st October in that it is 13 mins past midnight and I really should be in bed..especially as I have to get up at 7am for the wee boy. I have been blogging away for months now and have opened myself up in a way I never thought possible knowing that "writing is my best chance of happiness" .

My waffling for this entry is simply this...I am seriously down...I wonder if I am the only person in the entire world who sometimes just feels like giving up.??There are times when I want to revert to being a small child and just curl up in a corner ..suck my thumb and wait till it all gets better.Outwardly I am getting on with ...chatting...being funny...being happy..being sociable..getting to see people..going out for meals...having is going on around me and yet somewhere deep inside there is something broken.

I wonder if I need to go to doctors...take medication...buck up..pull myself together...count my in the Lord....lean on Him...ask for real...or what???...I asked myself tonight...why do I feel like this... I cant seem to shake it off....

I seem to have spent the last few days snarling inside at others yet smiling nicely on the outside...I had a great time today having coffee with GJ and it was the only hour in about the last 24 when I didn't want to hit someone..anyone. I have no axe to grind with anyone . No-one has offended me..hurt me or caused me pain...yet somehow or other in the last few days life has lost its sweetness for me.

I am busy...but then we all have busy times and I am no different from others in that it can cause stress but yet I know that somehow this isn't just the busy-ness of life.I am aware that there is pressure on me...both Chris and I with regards to our IVA and with the annual review still not sorted it does hang over us and who knows when that pressure will be lifted. This evening at Life group..we sang the worship song with the words that say
"so take me as you find me..all my fears and failures." and then later the chorus sings out so powerfully .."Saviour..he can move the God is mighty to save He is mighty to save " and all I could think of was the word "failures" and I looked around the room and started to compare myself with the others in the room and all I could see or feel or think was "I am a complete failure in comparison to everyone else here."

Everything in me wanted to just run...just pick up my bag and grab the car keys and run...( couldn't do that as my washing was in their machine..)and as soon as LG ended we were out of there as quickly as I could get the washing in bag and say bye bye.Not one person in the group has done or said anything to make me feel that way..its just me and how I am feeling. I cant point a finger at any person in my life and say...fault lies there..its just me.The same thing happened in the restaurant the other evening when I was having a meal with the bestest of friends I could ask for and as the evening wore on I found myself thinking..."why are they hanging out with me ..they are so much better than me and here I am sitting with them with "all my fears and failures " and all I wanted to do was go home to bed"

I can guess that in a few days or weeks I will no doubt feel better..but at the moment this is how I feel.Our church pastor is encouraging us all to be willing to answer the question "how are you ?" as honestly as we can and not hide behind the "I am fine" response that is the norm. and so if you were to ask me ...I guess I would say..." I am way down the tunnel and wondering if the light I thought would be at the end has actually disappeared."

Be assured I am still "doing life"...I have and will carry on outwardly and it will all be well...yet inside I need to find a way to deal with the snarling and the unrest that has somehow begun to overwhelm me .A verse from Scripture that we used to sing a few years ago has come back to me about God breaking down the wall.

Ephesians Ch 2 V 14 says this,,,"For He himself is our peace who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier,the dividing wall of hostility,by abolishing in his flesh the law with its commandments and regulations, His purpose was to create in himself one new man out of the two ,thus making peace...and so on "

Somehow there is a barrier...a wall separating me from the peace of Christ and I know that this barrier hasn't been put there by Him..or anyone else so therefor it must have been me ...each brick in the wall is my fears...and I need to find a way to break it down and regain the deep peace and joy that is mine through my salvation.

Gosh ..its now almost 1am and I have approx 5-6 hours before I need to get up and just get on with life..we all know that in the cold dark of night thoughts like these can sneak in and make themselves at home yet from experience the bright dawn of a new day will cast a new light on everything and for that I am most incredibly grateful and for your walking alongside me and bringing new hope... encouragement support and love into my life I thank you.