Shadow Of Victory

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

Wednesday 20th January F is for Fear and Failure three of fasting and all urge to eat has gone but hey I am still desperate for a telly fix and a fiction fix.!! Isn't it strange the things that are not wrong in themselves can have such a hold on me. I would never think I am addicted as such to these things but as the desire to do them is so strong I can only assume there is an element of addiction there.

I am so glad that I am participating in this week and so grateful for friends who have come alongside me to pray each day and for the evenings when we gather as a community . This has opened up the way for God to speak and to bless me so deeply so far.Today my bestest buddy came and together we knocked on heavens door and read and shared scripture and shared what we felt God was saying and allowed the tenderness of God to touch our innermost being. I was deeply touched when she prayed not just for Cat and Nick to have a child but for me to be a grandmother.

For Cat and Nick ...I ache in a way I find it difficult to express as they have walked this journey for the last 2 years but somewhere deep in the deepest recess of my heart there is also my own anguish about being a granny.In the same way that I know Cat struggles with her friends and peers having babies whilst her arms remain empty I have watched most of my friends and peers become Grandmothers over and over again.So to have prayer today for this was timely and I am grateful that my friend was prompted to do so.

So...F is for Fear....and F is for Failure These have always been F words that have caused me huge problems in the past but I know that God is doing a new work in me this last couple of years and tonight as we worshipped I knew God was speaking to me about this again. I knew God was "applauding " me .! We were singing the words of the song "take me as you find me ..all my fears and failures..fill my life again " and as we sang I found myself weeping as the truth again was impressed upon my spirit....That God takes me exactly as I am ..tomorrow...nothing I can do in any way will cause God to turn away from me...I will always be welcome in His presence ...In the past I have often "run away" from God if there was any element of failure or fear in my life ..preferring to run first rather than wait for rejection...but one thing I am so grateful for is that I don't need to run away and that even when I know I have made a mess that I can still come into His presence and there are times when that truth is overwhelming and tonight was one of those moments.

I am continuing to fast and continuing to pray and continuing to read the bible for the rest of this time and will break my fast on Friday evening.I have found that giving God time to reveal His scripture to me has been an time to meet with friends has awakened a hunger in me for hanging out again with friends who will "take me up "...Simon B writes in his blog about being wise who you hang out with..who you spend time with... I have been so blessed all week with the great friends who have met with me and today has given me such a boost with prayer in the morning and a lovely and blessed time with an incredibly gentle and tender friend in the afternoon and then an affirming and challenging time this evening....and one of the goals I will implement from this week will be to actively seek out friends who I know will encourage me in daily seeking be "intentional" about who I spend time with.

One of my hopes and prayers for this week was that I would get closer to God...see Him more clearly and hear with greater clarity what He is saying to me and I am not disappointed. It seems as if every scripture I have meditated on... every paragraph I have read in the two books I am reading has truth within that has caused me to stop and think.I am so aware of the words we have been singing and each time we have gathered to worship has seemed like a personal conversation with the Holy Spirit .One of the things we asked God for this evening was a "fresh revelation" and my heart is already grateful for this and yet I know there is so much more.

If you are fasting and/or praying this hope is that you too will have had a fresh revelation and know more of Gods heart for you.

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